Suicidal Tendencies

Suicidal Tendencies

Self-Perception is Fickle

“It’d been better if I’d never been born,” we think. “I’m nothing but a disappointment anyway.” Suicidal tendencies are rearing their ugly head. Pain inflicted upon us throughout life has worn us down. Entrenched in our bad choices, we perceive ourselves as burdens now, leading us to such dark thoughts. In time, those dark thoughts morph to a reality of sorts, rooted in nothing more than our own self-condemning points of view. Self-perception is a fickle thing. It changes, often by the moment and often for the worse.

How many are struggling with issues that overwhelm and take us to a point so far removed from the peace and joy that we desire that it makes us angry, sad, frustrated, and self-destructive? Overwhelmed and hurting, we become desperate to escape from our problems, if even for just a moment. Time spent without troubles, to enjoy life, might seem elusive.

Peace Comes…Once I Die

As a teenager, I believed that peace would be found…in heaven, once I died. How many overwhelmed teens and adults harbor that same helpless belief, whether acted on or not? I’ve since found that peace can be enjoyed throughout life, even amidst the worst of trials. I want to share what I’ve found to combat the hardships we endure throughout our ever-changing lives. Christ is the answer. Seek a personal relationship with God, your own private Counselor and Guide. Rise up, sweet child, and shed your suicidal tendencies. I’m praying for you. Click the video to listen to my full message on Suicidal Tendencies.

Resources: Help for Suicidal Tendencies

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is an available resource. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is another great resource with local chapters in each state. You can browse their websites, view their wealth of information, as well as access hotline phone numbers. Join the #BeThe1To movement and spread the word on suicide prevention! Most importantly, don’t forget to pray! With God, all things are possible.

Rebecca’s novels related to this topic

Click to read the first chapters or order Rebecca’s fictional novels related to mental illness and suicide:

Suicidal Tendencies - Marie's Watch novel

Marie’s Watch – a novel about unconditional love and compassion

Suicidal Tendencies - The Truth Will Set You Free novel

The Truth Will Set You Free – a novel about freedom

God’s Lovingkindness, Where is it?

God’s Lovingkindness, Where is it?

Give thanks to the Lord?

In Psalm 92:1-2, it’s suggested that it is good to give thanks to the Lord. In addition to that, singing praises to His name adds to the jubilant recommendation. And finally, we’re to declare God’s lovingkindness and faithfulness both morning and night.

How can we give thanks and sing praises when life is a struggle? If we’re walking in the darkness of loss or hurt, why would we? What is there to be thankful for when life is tragic? If God is almighty, we might question why He’d allow the difficulties that have us far from peace.

Who is it good for?

If it’s good to give thanks and praise to the Lord, who is it good for? I’d gather that God has continued without fail whether we’ve thanked and praised Him or not. Then it must be good for us! It is, and here’s where faith can be your catapult to living joyfully instead.

Landscape scene. God's lovingkindness

It is good to give thanks to the Lord!

Life is tough. Our journey here on earth seems to be a mix of tragedy, good fortune, confusion, and happiness. There are days of achievement, but there are also days of discouragement, pulling at emotions that dictate what kind of day we’ll experience. We strive to find balance, experience peace, or make some sense of the life we’re living. Have faith. There is good for us.

Does God really offer lovingkindness and faithfulness?

Lovingkindness, by definition, is tenderness and consideration for others. It’s the opposite of ill will toward someone. Faithfulness is the quality of being faithful or true to another person. These are God’s traits toward us, and yet the difficult lives many of us succumb to lead us to question whether He really offers them to us.

How can we excitedly tell others of God’s lovingkindness and faithfulness? We who are broken can’t even absorb His wonderfulness for ourselves. Additionally, we’re expected to exhibit these traits as proof of our faith. That’s some pressure, huh? No matter how much we try to apply faith, we’ll struggle. God’s traits aren’t meant to be applied. He lives them. When He is at our center, His qualities show through us.

Can we offer lovingkindness and faithfulness?

Is it possible for us to offer lovingkindness and faithfulness? Due to our own failure to achieve these qualities, we condemn ourselves. Also, we’re resentful of others who lack the same ability. Do we offer lovingkindness to those who’ve hurt us or our loved ones? Likely not. What takes its place? Animosity, frustration, an overwhelming feeling of unfairness. We wish our enemy would pay consequences that make them hurt. We want justice! At what cost?

Lone tree in the fog. God's lovingkindness

Our journey here on earth seems to be a mix of tragedy, good fortune, confusion, and happiness.

Fidelity, faithfulness, for many of us, is a lofty expectation too, often met with disappointment. Many have been hurt by unfaithful people. On the other hand, though we judge people for this, we also find ourselves among those who struggle with being faithful. The guilt can be crushing.

So, if we don’t have anything to feel thankful for, if we’ve nothing praiseworthy happening in our lives, why would we even think of God as faithful? We’d be hard pressed to consider the things God is allowing as lovingkindness. Right?

God’s qualities fill us!

However, as the Psalm suggests, in a posture of praise and thankfulness for our Lord, we can declare God’s lovingkindness and faithfulness. Again, these are God’s qualities. They are part of His essence. He is a God of love. He will not turn from His children, ever, and we can experience what these qualities mean personally to us. Greater still, we can exhibit them outwardly, even in the most trying of circumstances.

When we ask Christ to be at our center, when we ask His Holy Spirit to come into us, God’s qualities fill us. This takes a step of faith, asking Him in. I want you to take it, though, and watch God move! The more we focus on Him, talk with Him, listen for Him, wait on Him, and grow to trust Him, the stronger we experience His qualities. He has much to teach us who come close to Him. God’s lovingkindness and faithfulness are personally revealed to us. As a result, the revelation of His essence causes us to give thanks, sing praises, and declare loudly what He can do. God allows His traits to shine through us to touch others as He intends.

You will declare God’s lovingkindness!

So you must get to know your Creator on a very private and intimate level. Keep your eyes on Him constantly, converse with Him always. Seek His wisdom, love, peace, and guidance every day. Naturally, His traits will infiltrate your being as His Spirit responds. Finally, the old will pass away. Every morning and every night you’ll find it hard to resist and you will declare it!

We praise You Lord. We thank You for Your lovingkindness and faithfulness toward us, even when we hadn’t seen or deserved it. May those who’ve wronged us see these traits of Yours shining from within us so that they might also find hope in You.

Faith mug. God's lovingkindness

Thank You, Lord, for Your lovingkindness!

Sons and Daughters of the King

Sons and Daughters of the King

Sons and Daughters of the King, Psychological Hang-Ups Hinder Us

We’re each children, born of man and woman, and yet intentionally made by God, our Creator. You are an heir of God, co-heir with Christ. You are a son or daughter of the King! Amazing, right? How can we live like this is reality? For many of us, our earthly father/son or daughter relationship taints our connection with God. Why does that happen? How can we change our perception of God as our Father? Can we stop the psychological hang-ups from hindering our walk with God?

Rebecca is a daughter of the King

We Have Full Access to God and His Qualities Now

We’re living in an amazing time! For those of us who are drawn into relationship with God, we’re able to experience life in His kingdom, a place where peace, joy, and unconditional love are available at all times to us. When the veil was torn at the release of Jesus’ Spirit, so was the division between us and our Creator, We have full access to God and His qualities if we choose to come close to Him and live in this Spiritual realm, in His Kingdom. What you believe is key and may need to be shaken. Read more on that in my blog The Living God.

Earthly Perceptions Impact Our Connection With God

I spoke at a women’s retreat on this topic. I shared the importance of recognizing the impact our earthly relationships have on us and how we allow those impressions to interfere in our role as sons or daughters of the King. Whether the relationship with our earthly father was good or bad, for many, it indicates how we relate to God and how we think He sees us. I’ve recorded what I originally said at that retreat. Take a moment to get quiet, put your headphones on, and click the seventeen minute video below. Let yourself explore your own journey. Perhaps God will reveal a freedom you can experience now.

God’s peace,

Rebecca L Matthews

Click the Video and Experience A Closer Connection with God

Click the seventeen minute video below to hear the speech I gave with this powerful message. Contact me for a written copy of this speech or to have me speak to your group.

Silver Linings – Blessed in Marriage

Silver Linings – Blessed in Marriage

Today, my husband and I celebrate thirteen years of marriage. Please enjoy this story I’d written more than two years ago about our relationship.

The fair is somewhat quiet around me. Tomorrow should be more promising. There are always slow days, after all. I never worry about it. God’s got a plan, and I’m contentedly going along for the ride. We pulled in two nights ago with our used RV, set up camp, and then set up my booth. I sell my wares like a traveling gypsy. I’m a Christian fiction author, and my husband of more than ten years and I travel most weekends to craft and agricultural fairs to market the books I’ve written, a part of my job I thought I’d dislike but truly love.

Chris Acting Corny at the Fair

As a self-employed plumber, today he left me to fend for myself so that his customers’ needs are attended to. He’s a good and honest man, and as a plumber, is in great demand. Without complaint but hesitant to leave, he kissed me goodbye. We’ve talked between text messages and phone calls probably ten times already since he left. Jokes, questions, arranging life for our family, we always seem to have so much to share.

“How’s the honeymoon suite?” the vending manager asked us last night, smiling. He kindly fit us in last minute. Aside from the rooster that doesn’t seem to understand time at all, our campsite is wonderful. People often comment about the happiness we apparently show in each other’s presence, as if we are newlyweds. They’re surprised at how long we’ve been married. They think it’s sweet that we’d hung out together as teens. After high school, when young adult choices had us moving in different directions, he suggested we go together…as a couple. I couldn’t imagine that. He was too nice for me to consider any romantic connection. He wasn’t my type. I moved south, he went west.

As I’d known all those years ago, he’s a nice guy. Now I realize, he’s just my type. I’ve never known any man to be so giving, caring, devoted, and selfless. I wouldn’t be living my dream if it weren’t for his encouragement and constant support. He’s the backbone of our family and, aside from God, he is the strength and guide I lean on.

At home, our life feels simple. We’re content. Small town, big old farmhouse, parcel of kids who are getting older, some already moved on. We enjoy each other’s company and choose a walk around town on occasion.

Forever in Love

“Where are you working tomorrow?” I ask as we round the corner and cross the street. We continue chatting, sharing our day, our hopes, our plans. His movement is subtle and quiet as he switches sides, slipping between me and the traffic. I smile. He’s protecting me. It’s such a stark difference to the hurt imparted by what I used to think was love. How did he get this way, I wonder? His childhood home-life was fractured too. He ran the streets with little supervision or boundaries. How did he become so thoughtful?

As young children we spent a period of time living only houses from each other. Me, at the top of the hill, him at the bottom. I don’t ever remember him from then, he remembers me. Our families were both poor. High-water jeans and second-hand clothes didn’t seem odd, it was just normal. Playing in the dirt in the yard and riding rusty old bikes brought happiness, to both of us I imagine.

I could say it’s been a long road, but in reality it feels like time is flying by. The blessings we’re experiencing now are humbling, to say the least. It’s not about the comfort we’re finally afforded after so many years of living on the financial edge, constantly teetering between having and not. It’s not due to any lack of difficult life issues. It’s the peace that has filled our lives that we’re most grateful for. I recall this journey’s beginning, the first chapter of my present life, a hesitant step into faith and hope for me.

Chris and Rebecca


I’d sat there curled up on my couch watching TV and crying. John Ritter had just passed away, and his wife was heartbroken. She commented on how close they’d been, that they always looked forward to connecting at the end of each day, whether by phone or in person, depending on their schedules. I felt sad for her, but her heartfelt torment highlighted a deficit in my life. I’d never known a love like that. I’d never been in a long-term relationship where the company of my partner was desired, let alone looked forward to. Arguments that scarred, actions that destroyed, that was life. Not just for me, but for most couples, as far as I could see. Trust and any sense of security had long been confirmed by me to be nothing more than fantasy.

I grew up in a home where tension and toxic stress settled and thrived. The results of which lay wait in me for years, anxious to rear up and render me helpless and afraid. As a teen, when my mother and step-father’s marriage finally fell apart, I became even more insecure and angry and sought attention in all the wrong places. Life was difficult, and at some point, I came to expect it would always be. Self-fulfilling prophesy? None-the-less, it was proving to be true.

From my perch on the couch, I looked around at the beautiful trailer I’d recently moved my four children into and felt sad. My second marriage had ended. I stayed longer than I should’ve, but I wanted desperately to honor my vow. I wanted to avoid the break-up of the family center, to spare my two youngest the struggles of fragmented households that my older two were already experiencing. My faith also tugged at my conscience. However, I was not coping well at all. The fear that gripped me in that house was too great, the effects of which were crippling. How much of my own deeply entrenched anxieties contributed, I’ll never know.

My gaze returned to the TV. I watched this newly widowed woman through blurry, tear-filled eyes, and I realized what true love sounded like. In my heart, at that moment, I felt God speak words of encouragement, “That love which you’ve never believed could be real is coming.”

I sat up more rigidly and wiped ineffectively at the tears running down my cheeks. You’d think I’d have been excited at such a declaration, but let me assure you, I had no desire to try love again. No. That’s what my heart screamed back. No!

At the Fair

The fair goers meander by, some browse, most walk on. Christian fiction is a niche genre, for sure. The conversations I’m fortunate to engage in at my booths are often uplifting and spiritually encouraging. Whether I sell a book or not, the blessing of these moments is all mine. The atmosphere makes me smile. I could never have imagined living this way, and it never would’ve happened if not for the love of my husband, the man God told me was coming.

“I don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up,” he’d said timidly. I laughed. We’d just reconnected and were sharing where life had brought us during the fifteen years since we’d last spoken. His life was just as fractured and difficult as mine. With his own broken family and bad relationship story relayed, I felt bad. He’d deserved a good life. He was financially drowning under a couple apartment buildings that were great investment ideas gone bad as the price of heating oil skyrocketed. Meager pay from his relatively new job as a plumber’s apprentice lessened the stress only marginally. It was nice to see a friendly face, though, to visit with someone who wasn’t judging me or my failures. The old comfort of being in the presence of a good friend was immediate. Of course it would be, he was a nice guy.

Though I pushed back, hesitated, and denied it all, one day that “nice guy” looked cute to me. I remember that moment vividly. My heart skipped a beat. “No,” I again begged of God. “I’ve no interest in getting hurt again. I don’t want my children to hurt again from a decision I’ve made. Please, no.” But the cloud of darkness that had overshadowed my life had a silver lining. All that God had allowed was going to contrast and highlight the blessings that were to come. Out of my hurting and scarred heart was going to come an appreciation that wouldn’t have been attained had I not endured life’s difficulties first.

“I do,” I said, facing the most amazing man I’d ever met. Our six children stood at our sides as we exchanged vows that a year and a half earlier I denied I would ever utter. I no longer felt like a failure. We worked with the brokenness of our mixed up family, and together, we made home feel like home. Funny, we never really had a honeymoon then, and so the vending manager’s words were fitting. Life feels like a constant honeymoon to me now. I look forward to seeing and talking with my love each and every day. I often think about that night of revelation and direction and smile.

Wedding Kiss

A twist of fate, an unexpected change in course, and a God given opportunity for both of us occurred years later. My husband, a master plumber at this time, was able to start his own business, and I became a published author. Now, he unwaveringly supports my endeavor to spread encouragement to the masses through my books.

“You’re beautiful,” he utters to me every day, and don’t you know, I actually feel beautiful. “I love you,” he tells me all the time, and I definitely feel loved. My husband’s never-ending and unconditional love and kindness make me feel like there is truth to his words, truth to my value as a person. There is so much freedom in a love like this that my world has exploded. Truly, God has brought to me that love which I never believed could be real. That silver lining has burst forth into full light, and its warmth and brilliance are most humbly appreciated.

The Truth Will Set You Free

The Truth Will Set You Free

John 8:31“….If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; 32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

A Dream Conveyed Deep Pain

I woke sobbing. My heart was broken. My brother had committed suicide rather than face the consequences of old actions newly exposed. It was clear that he’d been hiding behind years of lies and alcohol which now made sense. It was a dream, but it was so vivid that I was shuddering with sorrow for the lack hope that he had. I knew what he’d been missing.

Many people walk in deep despair, one bad day away from giving up, hope already stale and crumbling. In examining all the stepping stones crossed to reach such a desperate vantage point, tragedy certainly has a foothold and is deeply rooted. Misfortune comes in many forms, the results often kept hidden to avoid judgement or consequence. Lies are laid down one at a time, building a wall to keep secrets hidden, assuring survival.

How many people have a plan of what to do should truth be exposed? Are they convinced their lies keep them out of trouble? Do people believe they can foresee the difficulties that may overwhelm should truth be uncovered? How desperate are they to avoid that possibility?

Satan Seeks Victims

Shame…it’s dirty in more than name and controlling in nature. Not so sparingly, Satan uses it when casting his net. He seeks those who are easily swayed and quick to cower from it. The devil’s victims are convinced that, if their darkness is brought to light, others’ judgement will match the consequences human or spiritual law brings. Who could survive either, and why would someone try?

The Truth Will Set You Free is based on that dream and the hopelessness many are burdened with. I know the answer and pray many who struggle have the answer revealed to them before they can’t cope anymore. Christ is the answer. That’s all. At the risk of sounding callous, it’s simple. No certain number of steps are required to reach healing, and no amount of money can cleanse you of shame that’s buried. Freedom comes by believing in and knowing Christ.

Jesus is the Truth

You see, He is the Word that you should seek a relationship with and continue focusing on. Keep your eyes on Him and talk to Him about anything He puts on your heart. As you grow in that relationship, you will come to know Him, and He is, in fact, Truth itself. He, Jesus, the Truth, is the only thing that can set you free.

In some instances, through the course of your relationship, He may put it on your heart to expose the earthly truths that have hurt you. You won’t be alone on this journey. Christ is with you, and God has a plan that is for your benefit. If that comes to be the case, exposing truths that Satan has used to keep you in his control becomes freeing in many ways. A weight lifts as Satan’s grasp falters and fails. In some instances, the close connection with your Savior may be all you need to heal the hurts that have scarred your soul. In either case, regardless of the scenario God leads you through, He is the Answer and The Truth that Will Set You Free!

I pray my third novel, The Truth Will Set You Free, has a strong impact, clearly illustrates our need for hope, and points readers to Christ who is that hope. You can read the first chapter, check it out, or purchase it here. God bless you.

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